find your light.
I have always taken issue with the notion that life only gives us what we can handle. This notion troubles me for many reasons, but the most important one being that it is not true. Life hands us problems and situations that we cannot handle on our own. Issues that take our light and dim it to a level so low that it is almost not present. Life hand us challenges that are so great that they make us question our very being. Life does not hand us only what we can handle; it burdens us with things we are undeserving of.
Recently I was handed a challenge that damn near blew out my light completely — a challenge that made me question not only myself but the universe as a whole. I could not reconcile what I did to deserve such a situation, and I ultimately concluded that I did not deserve what I was handed, and it was not something I could process on my own. I have been told countless times that this was meant to be a lesson from the universe, guiding me in a new direction, but at what cost? Was it worth the pain, the confusion, the sadness? I was left questioning myself, the people around me, and quite literally humanity as a whole. My situation was not unique, and I may share it one day, but on this day, the burden is too heavy to share.
Ultimately, I have come to the conclusion that the universe is not fair. It is not just, and at times it is simply not right. But all we can do is not allow ourselves to carry the burden on our own but rather share the burden with the ones we trust. It is intimidating to be vulnerable enough to share your burdens, your pain, your thoughts — but the alternative is holding something so heavy that you can only hold for so long before you simply collapse into yourself. I have never been the vulnerable type. I am most definitely an oversharer, but only with mundane things that do not carry much weight. As for my emotions, thoughts, and feelings, those are typically buried deep within. But I have come to learn that vulnerability is not a weakness; it’s okay to feel, to share, it’s okay to reach out for help. It is even okay to cry, something I am still learning. I have yet to cry about my current situation — not for lack of feeling or a lack of trying — but rather to prevent myself from falling apart. But sometimes, you need to fall apart to grow back stronger. At your lowest lows and your weakest points is when you truly find yourself. I have found that I have been lost for a long time, and if anything, I have begun to find myself once again. It will take a while to feel like myself and to find my happiness, but it’s important to remember that healing is not linear. Healing has its lows and its highs; it’s days where you are happy and days you cannot leave your bed — but remember, you will find yourself once again, you will find your happiness, you will find your peace, and you will be okay.
