finding joy…

Change isn’t linear, it isn’t quick, and it is far from easy. I have come to realize that I have changed a lot over this past year. Changes that are noticeable, fundamental, changes that affect how I interact with the world and, arguably most importantly, myself. 

I didn’t go down a road seeking change or hoping for a specific outcome — it was a slow road. I drove it with little direction, often little hope, and a lot of blind faith, but it ultimately came to a conclusion. I ended the journey a different person than when I began. I have more hope. I have more hope. More light! The darkness comes, but I know it won’t last forever. 

Like anyone, I have good days and bad days. Days of pain and sorrow, days that bring joy and laughter. This year brought many days of pain. Mental pain, boundless physical pain, and one of the most brutal forms of pain that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy: grief. To love is to eventually lose, and for the first time in my short life, I lost. Loss and grief bring a different form of perspective that I wasn’t anticipating. I realized that life is both long and short, that I have so much left to experience and so much to appreciate, that love is sacred and to be cherished, and that you have more than you know in the people you love and who love you. Grief is a rude awakening about love.

This past year I learned to find joy in the little things. The way the rain hits my skin. The way the sun sets over my roof where I sit. The sound of laughter! Finding a new favorite song and feeling the way it lights up your soul. I have learned how to let the light in. 

If I can say anything about change, growth, grief, or love, it is this: learning to let the light in, to let yourself be loved, is the key to happiness. It is the key to finding joy in the dark moments. It is how I survive hard days, long days, days full of grief. I write this on a hard day. But as I write, I am watching the snow fall outside my window as Bon Iver plays, and I am finding the light.